As I sit down to write this blog and to update you on my life, my baby/ my daughter is currently screaming and throwing a temper tantrum because she doesn’t want to sleep.
Whenever, I write a blog, it takes me days because I want to give y’all the perfect words and the perfect description of what I am going through and experiencing. My goal is to share with you how I am growing and what I am experiencing.
For the past few weeks, I have been taking care of one of our babies who just returned home from the hospital, my daughter, the screamer. I have felt like a single mom, a bad mom, a terrible mom, a fantastic mom, a crappy mom, a tired mom, an impatient mom and a very, very, very frustrated mom. I am sure many of y’all out there can relate (except you men.) I am a first-time mommy and my daughter, is a little girl who has faced malnourishment, abandonment and heart problems all before her second birthday.
What’s it like being a first-time mom to a little girl who screams all the time, who never smiles, and has a lot of issues? Well it’s very frustrating and overwhelming, and sometimes I feel like I am being a horrible mom when I leave her alone to scream her heart out because I just can’t handle her cries anymore. (She will seriously scream an hour without stopping.)
These past few weeks have been some of the hardest weeks I have faced here in Uganda. I have felt like a failure quite a bit. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep, I’ve been struggling spiritually, my emotions have been out of whack, and I have had to change my sheets almost every day because there is poop or susu on them. The only time I have spent with God this week was to cry out to Him over my baby and my frustrations. On top of that, do you know what the worst feeling is?!? It’s when someone undermines you as a mom and I have experienced quite a lot of that this week, as well.
I reached a point in this week, where I decided I wasn’t giving my best to this little girl and that I was being selfish-I was failing at balancing her and God. BIG MISTAKE there (it makes your life 20x harder…) I decided there was some things I absolutely had to sacrifice in order to love her well and to be okay spiritually. The first thing to go, was my beautiful, wonderful sleep. Before she would get up in the morning, I would wake up earlier and spend time in my Word which has seriously made my life and my days better.
The second thing I had to lay down, was my pride and perfectionism. Let’s be honest, I am never going to be the perfect mom; no one is (sorry to burst your bubble.) However, I can be a great mom by praying over her, her future, her personality, her brokenness-that is one thing, I can do with excellence, and it helps with the frustrations especially when she is screaming right in your ear.
The third thing, I am still trying to get over, is control: my enemy, my nemesis, my downfall. Do you know it’s okay to let other people help you? Do you know it’s okay to let other people take care of your baby even when they do it differently than you? Yeah…I am still learning that one, it may take me a few months…or years. The truth is that this is super hard for me, but I believe, if I get over this desire to control, then I’ll be less stressed, frustrated, and burdensome, and my daughter will be better because of it.
While the last few weeks have been incredibly tough and overwhelming, my desire for my future family has grown immensely. These weeks have taught me a lot about being a mom, but they have taught me more about the importance of marriage. I believe that in these few weeks, God has made me a better mom and wife for my future family, and I am thankful for this experience.
I love my daughter very much, and when she does smile, it is the most rewarding thing in the whole world.
If you survived this far, thank you for hearing my frustrations and my lessons of caring for babies.
Mommy Mzungu, Mommy Baby, Mommy Chosen, or simply, Mommy Mace.
- Pray for healing over Chosen’s body, both spiritually, emotionally and physically. In the next month or so, she will be having an operation done to correct her heart murmur; I am believing this operation will change everything for her and that her body will be healed.
- Pray for strength, energy and yes, patience for this mommy. She’s about to take on two babies at the end of this week-mommy of twins is what they say, so I will need all your prayers.
- It hasn’t hit me yet that I won’t be spending Christmas or my birthday with my family this year, and it’s my first time away from my family for both. I don’t exactly know what I am asking for, but please just pray for me for these next few weeks.